Is it hard coming out to your family?
Yes. It's hard.
Like, even in the most ideal scenario where everything turns out great and supportive, you still have this moment when you say it and wait to see where the chips land. Nerve wracking.
I recently saw that movie Love, Simon, and there is this moment where he is looking in a window at his family. This "moment before" feeling. Like, all I have to do is not say anything for a moment longer and I still get my normal family a moment longer. How long can you stretch it out? How long can you say goodbye before it's gone? It was this limbo I was trapped in.
I think it was the moment my friend Sarah told me that it might be time for me to start wearing a bra to work was the moment I knew I had to tell my family soon. Undeniable public boobs was, for me, the point of no return. So it was time to implement the plan I'd been concocting in my head meticulously over the last few months.
So, the main three people that I had to inform were, my mother, my adult sister, Andrea, and my adolescent brother, Tommy. Now, I didn't want my mother to know before my brother or my sister, because then she might categorize in a negative way to them. But, I also didn't want to tell my brother before I told my mother, as I felt that that was too large of a secret to ask a kid that age to deal with.
My sister, who is one of my closest friend, was likely to be an ally, but I wasn't quite sure. She was with a new guy who seemed to have a conservative edge and I didn't know if that would make her think ill of me.
The plan was to tell my sister first and hope it goes well. If it did, I would have her be at mom's house when I had the conversation, just so she had someone there to support her and convince her that I wasn't kidding. At the same moment I put the call into mom, I sent a pre-written letter to my little brother to let him know what I was just about to tell mom. That seemed to be the best way to handle everything. If it went bad with mom, at least Tommy would hear it from me first. And when Tommy heard it, it wouldn't be a secret for him to keep, just a fact that everyone knows.
My sister thought I might be joking at first, but when I convinced her I wasn't, she was immediately supportive. She said she loved me no matter what and that I've felt like a sister to her our whole lives, which is true. She and I did have many a rock out session to both Hanson and The Spice Girls. Like, seriously. Sisters.
She, too, was a bit nervous how her husband would take this. (I asked her if I could share this story and she gave me the okay). She told me that she and her fella were having a rough patch and weren't sure if they were gonna make it. So, then I came out to her and she nervously relayed the information to him. His response: "Cool. As long as she doesn't look better than you in a dress, what do I care?" She broke down crying. She told me that my coming out to her may have saved her relationship. I'm deeply flattered she said that, though it gives me far too much credit.
She agreed to be at mom's for me. We set a date. Like two days from then. I spent the time writing my letter to Tommy and basically vomiting. There was a little part of me that was hopeful that this might go well, but a BIG part of me that knew that it wouldn't. That it couldn't.
Before I talk about my mom's reaction, I want to say that my little brother was cool. I knew he would be. He's very progressive and I'm so proud of him.
My sister calls me from Mom's phone. She asks me if I'm ready. I'm not, but I say yes anyway.
Mom gets the phone and she wants to tell me a story. I let her. I'm in no hurry. I listen to the last story she'll ever tell me.
So here's how it went, to the best of my memory:
Me: Mom, I love you.
Mom: What's wrong?
Me: I have to tell you something, but it's hard.
Mom: Well, just tell me.
Me: Okay. I'm transgender and I'm transitioning.
Mom: No you're not.
Me: Yes I am, Mom. That's why Andrea's there.
Mom: This is a joke.
Me: I knew that you might have a hard time with this. I know that my dad wouldn't have liked it.
Mom: He'd have killed you.
Me: Well, I guess I'm glad he's still dead then.
Mom: ...
Me: Hello?
Mom: I'm here.
Me: Well?
Mom: Well, what?
Me: Are you okay?
Mom: So, you're into guys now? Is that it?
Me: No!
Mom: You will be.
Me: That's not how it works.
Mom: What does Phoebe say?
Me: That she loves me and supports me no matter what.
Mom: Ha!
Me: Mom-
Mom: This is like you're dying (dead name). This is like your dead.
Me: I'm not dead, Mom. I'm just more me.
Mom: I can't talk about this.
Me: Okay. Talk to you later then?
And then she hung up. That's the last time I talked to her. That was August of 2016. It wasn't her last correspondence with me. She sent me an email. I've decided to share that with you all. I just want to show how this happens. How it feels. The sensation of losing everything.
Like, even in the most ideal scenario where everything turns out great and supportive, you still have this moment when you say it and wait to see where the chips land. Nerve wracking.
I recently saw that movie Love, Simon, and there is this moment where he is looking in a window at his family. This "moment before" feeling. Like, all I have to do is not say anything for a moment longer and I still get my normal family a moment longer. How long can you stretch it out? How long can you say goodbye before it's gone? It was this limbo I was trapped in.
I think it was the moment my friend Sarah told me that it might be time for me to start wearing a bra to work was the moment I knew I had to tell my family soon. Undeniable public boobs was, for me, the point of no return. So it was time to implement the plan I'd been concocting in my head meticulously over the last few months.
So, the main three people that I had to inform were, my mother, my adult sister, Andrea, and my adolescent brother, Tommy. Now, I didn't want my mother to know before my brother or my sister, because then she might categorize in a negative way to them. But, I also didn't want to tell my brother before I told my mother, as I felt that that was too large of a secret to ask a kid that age to deal with.
My sister, who is one of my closest friend, was likely to be an ally, but I wasn't quite sure. She was with a new guy who seemed to have a conservative edge and I didn't know if that would make her think ill of me.
The plan was to tell my sister first and hope it goes well. If it did, I would have her be at mom's house when I had the conversation, just so she had someone there to support her and convince her that I wasn't kidding. At the same moment I put the call into mom, I sent a pre-written letter to my little brother to let him know what I was just about to tell mom. That seemed to be the best way to handle everything. If it went bad with mom, at least Tommy would hear it from me first. And when Tommy heard it, it wouldn't be a secret for him to keep, just a fact that everyone knows.
My sister thought I might be joking at first, but when I convinced her I wasn't, she was immediately supportive. She said she loved me no matter what and that I've felt like a sister to her our whole lives, which is true. She and I did have many a rock out session to both Hanson and The Spice Girls. Like, seriously. Sisters.
She, too, was a bit nervous how her husband would take this. (I asked her if I could share this story and she gave me the okay). She told me that she and her fella were having a rough patch and weren't sure if they were gonna make it. So, then I came out to her and she nervously relayed the information to him. His response: "Cool. As long as she doesn't look better than you in a dress, what do I care?" She broke down crying. She told me that my coming out to her may have saved her relationship. I'm deeply flattered she said that, though it gives me far too much credit.
She agreed to be at mom's for me. We set a date. Like two days from then. I spent the time writing my letter to Tommy and basically vomiting. There was a little part of me that was hopeful that this might go well, but a BIG part of me that knew that it wouldn't. That it couldn't.
Before I talk about my mom's reaction, I want to say that my little brother was cool. I knew he would be. He's very progressive and I'm so proud of him.
My sister calls me from Mom's phone. She asks me if I'm ready. I'm not, but I say yes anyway.
Mom gets the phone and she wants to tell me a story. I let her. I'm in no hurry. I listen to the last story she'll ever tell me.
So here's how it went, to the best of my memory:
Me: Mom, I love you.
Mom: What's wrong?
Me: I have to tell you something, but it's hard.
Mom: Well, just tell me.
Me: Okay. I'm transgender and I'm transitioning.
Mom: No you're not.
Me: Yes I am, Mom. That's why Andrea's there.
Mom: This is a joke.
Me: I knew that you might have a hard time with this. I know that my dad wouldn't have liked it.
Mom: He'd have killed you.
Me: Well, I guess I'm glad he's still dead then.
Mom: ...
Me: Hello?
Mom: I'm here.
Me: Well?
Mom: Well, what?
Me: Are you okay?
Mom: So, you're into guys now? Is that it?
Me: No!
Mom: You will be.
Me: That's not how it works.
Mom: What does Phoebe say?
Me: That she loves me and supports me no matter what.
Mom: Ha!
Me: Mom-
Mom: This is like you're dying (dead name). This is like your dead.
Me: I'm not dead, Mom. I'm just more me.
Mom: I can't talk about this.
Me: Okay. Talk to you later then?
And then she hung up. That's the last time I talked to her. That was August of 2016. It wasn't her last correspondence with me. She sent me an email. I've decided to share that with you all. I just want to show how this happens. How it feels. The sensation of losing everything.
Dear (dead name),
First off I want to tell you this before I get into all the mucky muck. I watched Stranger Things and I liked it.
It reminded me a lot of “Stephen King’s IT”. Now ... I LOVE YOU. I always have and always will. If I have
said or done things over the years that have hurt you, I'm sorry. I am not denying anything I just plain ol don't
remember. I have shown you nothing but love ....or at least my version of it....but we are a family and that
stuff happens in the best of families and I am not perfect. You need to let go and forgive me for stuff - like
Ron for example. He was a demon and poisoned everyone who ever had the unfortunate displeasure of knowing
him. Even his own family didn't like him much. I'm sorry for all of that too and anything you feel in regard to
that. I'm sorry you feel I used to side with him. I feel differently. All he and I ever did was fight, and it was
because I was defending us...especially you. I guess we will have to agree to disagree on that. I fought for you
your whole life against neighbor kids, kids at school, mostly Ron and apparently to the point where you don't
even want me as a friend on facebook any more. I will always defend you guys no matter how old you are. But
please let all that crap go. You can't keep harboring it or it will never go away. I don't hang on to the Ron crap
because he is dead and I am glad. He got what was coming to him. Our life - despite that fat bastard - was filled
with laughter and love and happiness. He only wrecked three years for us and that isn't much in the overall time
frame of 30 years. At the end of the day...I love you and you love me and that should always win out over all.
It reminded me a lot of “Stephen King’s IT”. Now ... I LOVE YOU. I always have and always will. If I have
said or done things over the years that have hurt you, I'm sorry. I am not denying anything I just plain ol don't
remember. I have shown you nothing but love ....or at least my version of it....but we are a family and that
stuff happens in the best of families and I am not perfect. You need to let go and forgive me for stuff - like
Ron for example. He was a demon and poisoned everyone who ever had the unfortunate displeasure of knowing
him. Even his own family didn't like him much. I'm sorry for all of that too and anything you feel in regard to
that. I'm sorry you feel I used to side with him. I feel differently. All he and I ever did was fight, and it was
because I was defending us...especially you. I guess we will have to agree to disagree on that. I fought for you
your whole life against neighbor kids, kids at school, mostly Ron and apparently to the point where you don't
even want me as a friend on facebook any more. I will always defend you guys no matter how old you are. But
please let all that crap go. You can't keep harboring it or it will never go away. I don't hang on to the Ron crap
because he is dead and I am glad. He got what was coming to him. Our life - despite that fat bastard - was filled
with laughter and love and happiness. He only wrecked three years for us and that isn't much in the overall time
frame of 30 years. At the end of the day...I love you and you love me and that should always win out over all.
Now...about your transitioning....Am I happy about it? Hell no. I am not happy. I feel like the Ben that I know is
leaving...like you're going to die. Ben will be dead. I am grieving here and I am going to miss you terribly. I
have always loved Ben the boy and Ben the young dude and especially Ben the man. I really like the guy you
are. But...I have come to realize that all the crying and praying and wishing that I am doing over here is not
going to stop you. Am I an advocate for transgender people? No....I won't be marching in any LGBT parades
anytime soon BUT I am an advocate of you. If you are happy doing this then who am I to stop you from
achieving happiness? I have never ever "hated" gay or transgender people. Do I love them? No.....But I
definitely do not hate them. I don't understand them. I am just not wired to accept things that have always been
foreign and weird to me. But this has for sure short circuited my wiring. I will need time and lots of it. Just
know - I love you (pssst....you're my favorite but don't tell Andrea I said that) and I am going to miss my buddy,
Kidda.
leaving...like you're going to die. Ben will be dead. I am grieving here and I am going to miss you terribly. I
have always loved Ben the boy and Ben the young dude and especially Ben the man. I really like the guy you
are. But...I have come to realize that all the crying and praying and wishing that I am doing over here is not
going to stop you. Am I an advocate for transgender people? No....I won't be marching in any LGBT parades
anytime soon BUT I am an advocate of you. If you are happy doing this then who am I to stop you from
achieving happiness? I have never ever "hated" gay or transgender people. Do I love them? No.....But I
definitely do not hate them. I don't understand them. I am just not wired to accept things that have always been
foreign and weird to me. But this has for sure short circuited my wiring. I will need time and lots of it. Just
know - I love you (pssst....you're my favorite but don't tell Andrea I said that) and I am going to miss my buddy,
Kidda.
Please still call me sometimes like you do now...don't shut me out completely just because I can't be happy for
you right away. I feel we lost our closeness even before this and I can't bear it to get worse.
you right away. I feel we lost our closeness even before this and I can't bear it to get worse.
I love you Mom xxoo
p.s. This here postscript is strictly being said for comedic purposes as this family deals with stuff with humor....
My mind is closed but my arms are open.
My mind is closed but my arms are open.
That's all she offered. Not admitting anything. She doesn't remember all the abuse she was present for. Her mind
is closed but her mind open? I'm sorry, but that is not enough for me. I deserve someone who accepts me for me.
I shouldn't have to get used to someone tolerating me instead of loving me. I was very angry for a long time.
Therapy helped a lot, but it dredged up it's own set of demons.
is closed but her mind open? I'm sorry, but that is not enough for me. I deserve someone who accepts me for me.
I shouldn't have to get used to someone tolerating me instead of loving me. I was very angry for a long time.
Therapy helped a lot, but it dredged up it's own set of demons.
The process of healing after a family break up is slow. It is painful and it takes a long time and there is nothing
you can do to speed it up. You just have to wait for the hurt to run dry.
you can do to speed it up. You just have to wait for the hurt to run dry.
-Natalie
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