A Sparkle in the Blood

Yes. It's hard. Like, even in the most ideal scenario where everything turns out great and supportive, you still have this moment when you say it and wait to see where the chips land. Nerve wracking. I recently saw that movie Love, Simon , and there is this moment where he is looking in a window at his family. This "moment before" feeling. Like, all I have to do is not say anything for a moment longer and I still get my normal family a moment longer. How long can you stretch it out? How long can you say goodbye before it's gone? It was this limbo I was trapped in. I think it was the moment my friend Sarah told me that it might be time for me to start wearing a bra to work was the moment I knew I had to tell my family soon. Undeniable public boobs was, for me, the point of no return. So it was time to implement the plan I'd been concocting in my head meticulously over the last few months. So, the main three people that I had to inform were, my mother, my ad...

Hey everyone! I'm going to be a bit more sporadic about  posting here, as my Grad school classes are now back in full swing, but I'm not gone, just occupied. I'm actually working on a play about my childhood and somethings I've discovered. These pictures are from a mood book I created while trying to convey the tone and feel of my piece. That's all I'll say about it for now. Enjoy these pictures. I'd love to hear your comments. (please forgive the formatting of the pictures. I'm not sure how to make it look less jumbled).

So, you are transgender. You've made the discovery and you were able to admit it to yourself. You've decided to transition and you are taking the proper steps, but it still seems WAY too early to come out to people. That's okay! Welcome to the "Undercover" period! And an exciting period it is. A time where you, much like a superhero, have a completely different wardrobe and alter ego. Here are a few examples of how I was looking at this time. I thought this was a good balance between boy and girl. What I wanted was a slow ramp up of the feminine over time, so that by the time I actually came out, people would be like, "Yeah, that makes sense".   First things first, I made an appointment with a doctor at the LGBT center to get on HRT as soon as humanly possible. Now that I knew what I was, I felt like everyday I didn't get on HRT was robbing my future self of happiness and femininity. It was a pretty panicky feeling, I just felt like time was tic...

12/26/17 - 1 Year, 6 Months, and 12 Days HRT So, how do you start? When your actual identity can no longer be denied and it bubbles up to the surface; when your hours and hours of fantasizing finally breaks thru and affects your day-to-day reality, how does everything begin, exactly? I don't know how it was for anyone else, but for me, the answer is: Awkwardly. Here is a picture of me wearing the first ever dress I ordered online. I am so geeked here. A savy reader might even take note of my Rainbow Dash My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic socks to complete the ensemble. At this point, I still basically looked like a boy in a dress, but it was all I had, and I loved it. I started to want to experience the world this way. Like, immediately. I asked Phoebe if I could borrow one of her spare purses and I walked a few blocks alone to go get us some Little Caesars. The feeling was amazing. I felt the breeze on my legs. The world looked different, hips swaying to and fro of their o...

12/18/17 - 1 Year, 6 Months, 4 Days HRT So, a question that I get a lot is "Did you always know you were a girl?" or "What was it like growing up knowing you were in the wrong body?" Things like that. This is a difficult question for me to answer, because that wasn't exactly how it was for me. I mean, sure, the thought, "Girls seem to be having a lot more fun. Look how they take care of each other and stick together. That must be nice." Now, I know that girls have their own set of problems, but for me, I was friendless in elementary school and was bullied constantly and was beaten up a few times. The oasis of hopscotch and jump rope looked like heaven compared to the mud and hell of the chubby-nerdy little boy's life I was living. This picture is of me and my little sister, Andrea. She's as cute as a button, but check me out. Dressed head to toe in grey sweats. Glasses that look too big even on my giant C-sectioned baby-head. Combine th...

12/16/17 - 1 Year, 6 Months, and 2 Days HRT Hi! Nice to see you again. It has been 1 Year, 6 Months, and 2 Days since I have last made a post here. All I wanted when I made my day one post was to know how the whole journey was going to turn out. Well, I don't know how it ends yet, but WOW, this has been one of the oddest, most intense, life-changing year and a half that I have ever had, and I'm going to unspool this story slowly. Firstly, I am pretty much a completely different person. I mean, I feel like I'm the same because I went on the journey, but a lot about me has changed. I mean, check it out. Before, I let a beard grow, because, what's the point, I'm not gonna like the way I look anyway. I'd wear plain clothes that make no statement whatsoever. Just tried to blend in Now, I love the way I look in the mirror. That is a feeling I have never had before. It's amazing how much mental room hating yourself takes up. When you are able to stop (I...